I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
