dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
