Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
This baby is an asshole
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
