It's like a parade of train wrecks.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
a search helicopter?!
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
