Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Randomize
