How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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