Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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