I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
