I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
