No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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