I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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