everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
