when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
