It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Moan for me like Helen Keller
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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