guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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