at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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