Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
