Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
