Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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