There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
