I'm gonna have a badass scar
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
