its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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