i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
