I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
