Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
