Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
