Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
