Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
