walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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