By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
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Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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