there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i believe in u and ur pee
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize