he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
