Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
