I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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