I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
