lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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