I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
All I want is dick and wine.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
