Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
