first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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