mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Randomize
