It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
