my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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