That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
only if we run a train.
done.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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