can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
