I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
