She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
