First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
