I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
