PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
