my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
