life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
