She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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