so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
