Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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