Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
